Dear diary
by deadrose97
Summary: 'Dear diary , I have a secret I can't talk to anyone about ' . crona's first diary . warning- may be depressing at times . post-anime , no pairings .
1. Chapter 1

Miss Marie told me that I should keep a diary .I didn't know what that is so she explained me that it's a notebook where people write their thoughts and secrets . Also , nobody else should read my diary , it's secret , she said . Well , there's nothing I can do about Ragnarok reading it but he already knows all my thoughts so it doesn't matter . I think writing things down it's supposed to help me , something like when Maka taught me that if I feel down , I should write a poem . I'm not sure that helped me , I just depressed everyone...

Dear diary , I have a secret I can't talk to anyone about : I wish I never woke up . I was happy with dieing in my closest friend's arms, death seems so peaceful... I hate seeing Maka cry but I know she would get over my death , she has lots of friends , all of them better than me . I don't know why did Dr. Stein work so hard to save my life. Doesn't he know I betrayed him ? Doesn't he know I lied everybody ? Doesn't he realise that living with all this guilt it's worse than death for me ? I guess I have to live on on now and deal with the hate I will most likely get all my life because of my past mistakes .

I am really scared right now because I don't know what's going to happen to me .Will Lord Death really give me another chance ? Is he going to exile me like he said he would ? I know I probably deserve to be exiled but there's no way I'll survive on my own . I wish Maka was back already , I miss her ... and I really want a hug .


	2. Chapter 2

Dear diary , today has been a lot better than yesterday . Miss Marie woke me up in the morning , she didn't like that I slept on the floor in Mr. Corner . She told me Lord Death wanted to talk to me in the Death Room . I started to get really scared and she gave me one of my anxiety pills I got from Dr. Stein . I'm not sure what anxiety means but that pill made me calmer . Soon after I went to meet with Lord Death . He told me that protecting Maka and going aganist Lady Medusa redeemed me and I am allowed to continue living here and going to Shibunsen . Spirit and Dr. Stein were also called in Death Room after I was told that . Spirit thanked me for protecting Maka , said he also forgave me for my betrayal and...hugged me . I like being hugged a lot ...it feels warm and safe . I wonder why doesn't Maka like her father , he seems a good person to me . I should ask her - what if she gets mad ? I better won't . Dr . Stein said it's not good for my mental health to continue living in my room . I'm not sure what's wrong with it , it's better than where I lived before . My room has a window and a bed and that 's good enough for me as I am used to sleeping on the floor and being cold . They said it's not okay and I will have to nove in with Maka and Soul . What if I'll be a burden to them? Spirit told me not to worry since Maka will be more than happy about me living with them . I hope he's right...

Later today Maka and the others came back , most of them hurt . Soul was carrying Maka in his arms while she was unconscious . Soul didn't look too good either , cuts and bruises on both of them . I don't like seeing my friends in pain . Soul looked happy to see me. He said i scared them for a moment back there. He asked about my wound . It's not completly healed yet , it still hurts . Why did he asked , does he really care about me ? He doesn't have any reason to , I almost killed him few months ago . I really should apologise about that . I hope Maka will wake up tomorrow , I miss her . I should go to sleep now , I hope I won't have any nightmares tonight and Ragnarok will stay quiet . Actually , he hasn't bullied me that much since we woke up . That may be just because he's too weak to right now. Good night diary .

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**author's note : english is not my native language so please tell me how bad or good my grammar / spelling is if you want  
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	3. Chapter 3

Dear diary ,last night i had nightmares again . I used to have nightmares every night but since I am here I have less of them . However , last night's bad dream was horrible . Medusa came back and she told me iI dissapointed her again . She said that she'll be proud of me if I kill Maka and Marie , that she'll take me back . But I don't want to ga back to her ! I don't know why I did it , but in my dream I obeyed . I think seeing my mother made me go insane again , I can't believe I killed them , even if it's just a dream . I'm really scared now , what if Meduse isn't really dead ? But I've been told Maka killed her ! Medusa came back from the dead before...no I musn't think like this . It was just a stupid nightmare , that's all it was

This evening Maka woke up and she was really glad to see me . She hugged me again , I missed her hugs . Everybody congratulated her for killing the kinshin . I have also been congratulated for protecting her. My friends said it was really brave of me .Dr. Stein is suck a good doctor , maybe he did the right thing letting me live . I am going to get lots of hatred in my life , but if I'll be with my friends I might be able to deal with it .Right now, death doesn't sound that good as it used to . I told Soul and Maka about having to move in with them once they are healed . That made her really happy and she said she can't wait . Soul said he's okay with this too but it might get crowded since their apartament isn't too big . Then he started laughing saying that I won't know how to deal with Blair . Who's Blair ? Maka remembered that they don't have any spare room , so I'll have to share a room with one of them . Which one ? That made them both go quiet .

After a minute or so , Maka explained that , usually , people of the same gender share rooms . Gender -like boy or girl? I know Maka , Tsubaki , Liz, Patty and Miss Marie are girls . I know Soul , Kid , Black Star and Dr. Stein are boys . Then , what am I ? Do I have a gender ? How do people know their gender ? I told them I don't know my gender and asked how to find out . I think Maka wanted to say something ,but she stopped and just blushed . Then Soul started saying something but Maka made him shut up . What's so embaressing ? We all went to askk Dr Stein , he must know , Maka said . He told me that physically , I am both . I can decide on a gender if I want to , it won't be wrong either , it's just about what I feel like inside . I don't know what I feel like . Maka said it doesn't matter anyway , she's by best friend no matter what gender I am . That made me happy so I stopped worrying about this . We are going to decide later who am I going to share a room with .

I 'll have to try to get some rest now , hopefully without bad dreams tonight . Miss Marie told me that if I want good dreams , I need to think about happy things before going to sleep . Happy things ? let's see : hugs , flowers , sun , friends , butterflies ... Good night , diary.


	4. Chapter 4

Dear diary , today I learned how to cook ,Miss Marie taught me after I told her I didn't know . I wanted to learn because I don't want to be useless when I'll live with Maka and Soul .Now I kow how to make french fries , bacon , tea and coffee . I never had bacon or coffee before . I don't like coffee at all , it's too bitter . I cut my finger few times while cutting potatoes and Ragnarok was able to harden the blood , most of it anyway . That's good , I was a bit concerned about it because I can't fight without my blood hardening abilities . I dislike fighting but that doesn't matter , it would be selfish of me not to . I don't want to get more powerful ,and making Ragnarok a death skythe would be pointless , so I'll probably give any kinshin eggs I'll colect to my friends .That's the least I can do to thank them for forgiving me .

I spent the rest of the day in the infirmary with Maka and Soul . Soul was feeling better already but Makas ribs still hurt . Kid was there too ,with Liz and Patty trying to cheer him up . He kept staring at me with a disgusted expression on his face . I hate that expression and seeing it on my friend's face hurt . Maka saw he was staring and makin me sad , so she chopped him hard . After he woke up se asked him why was he acting so rude , is it that he has not forgiven me ? Kid reasured her that's not the case , it's just my hair that really annoys him by being unsymmetrical . Maka relaxed and started to laugh , glad that it wasn't anything serious . I told Kid that if it annoys him that much I could get it cut symmetrical since I don't really care how my hair looks anyway . I'm just happy it's not blonde ,_that _shade of blonde , anything but that . Ragnarok always says it makes me look like a pussy . I don't get it , how does the pink color of my hair makes me look like a cat ? Maka told me that I shouldn't get a haircut just because Kid dislikes it , a symmetrical haircut would be boring anyway , she said . Maka made me blush by saying that she likes it just like this

Today I found out we have a month of vacation . I didn't know what that means , Soul explained me it's no school for one month . Everyone looked really excited , but me and Maka . I didn't know why were them so happy , was school so bad ?I went to school for only one or two weeks in my life but it didn't seem bad at all to me , I had fun . I think Maka likes school too . They decided that when all of us feeling better , we'll go somewhere for one or two weeks to have fun and Kid is going to pay for that . I think I'm going to miss Miss Marie but I am excited about this too . They talked about this a lot and it seems really fun , I just hope I won't bring everyone down while there. I'm never going to let anyone read my poems ever again...

Tomorrow I am going to move in with Maka and Soul and I'll meet that 'Blair' person Soul keeps talking about .It might be just my imagination ,but for some reason , Kid and Black seem to blush whenever that person is mentioned . I wonder why . Black Star agreed with Soul that I won't know how to deal with her . Maka said she'll just cover my eyes . Why would she do that , I saw a lot of bad stuff in my life already , what could be worse ?

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**author's note : is my story any good ? please review and tell my what you think , also thank you if you already reviewed . Did I manage to get Crona's character? I hope it's not OOC in any way  
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	5. Chapter 5

Dear diary , Soul was right , I didn't know how to deal with Blair . At first , she looked like a cute kitten . It's been a long time since I last saw a kitten . They have pretty red blood , right ? I couldn't stop this kind of messed up thoughts from passing through my head . I think I started acting funny because the cat was staring at me . That's when she suddenly transformed into a human being . She's a witch ? What's wrong with her body , a girl's chest is not supposed to look like this ! Why was I looking there ? Then she started coming towards me and I backed away until I hit the wall , bu she kept approaching ! I thought she was going to kill me in order to averge the lives of all the kittens, rabbits and dragons I killed long ago . Soul was simply laughing at this ,Maka was still in the bathroom taking a shower and Ragnarok still can't transform into a sword. And then I felt it , the cat witch 's hand grabing that _something_ from between my legs. I think my brain just shut down at that - I screeched, cowered in a corner and started weeping in fear and confusion.

Maka runned out of the bathroom , hair still wet , at hearing me .She chopped Soul and Blair and them crouched beside me trying to find out what's wrong , what did they do to me . I couldn't tell her anything . Blair apologised to me explaining that she just wanted to know my gender but she thought it would be rude to ask . Also , she isn't a real , just a cat with magical powers .It took me anoter few minutes to calm down and I accepted her apologies . She told me I'm cute for a boy . Am I really ? That made me blush anyway . Blair asked for my age and Maka said she also wanted to know. I told them I didn't know , I was never told so I thought it's not important . At my answer Maka seemed sad and Blair confused . Maka asked if I don't know my birthday either . I said I don't , why would I . I asked why is it important to know the date of your birth , is it bad that I don't ? Maka explained that most people celebrate their birthday with a party , and got presents . I said that sounds really nice . Maka said the date itself doesn't matter , I should have a birthday too .We picked a random day , 15th of april , that's half a year away . She also said I must be 14 or 15 , she doesn't think I'm younger or older than that . I asked for the ages of my friends , since I never thought about this before . Maka and Black Star are 14 , Soul and Kid are 15 , Patty is 16 , Tsubaki and Liz are 17 .

I think I decided on a gender . Since Blair thinks I am a boy ( and I don't feel like correcting her ) and it doesn't seem too wrong or strange , I'll just go with that . While I do feel confortable wearing robes , I don't think I'll ever be able to deal with wearing a short skirt like Maka's anyway . That means I'm sharing a room with Soul , I hope he really is okay with that like he said before . I'll just try not to stand in his way or annoy him. Tomorrow we're going shopping , Maka and Soul saw I have very little clothing and said I need more . I don't really want to go there , it's full of people and that makes me unconfortable . Maka said it will be alright , so I'll go since I don't want to dissapoint her , I want her to see I'm trying to deal with others .


End file.
